Ridiculous title?? Or rather isnt it an oxymoron?? Call it the way you want.. But it is something that every loner would have experienced..
In silence lies so much sound - a commotion of sorts, so much noise, so many thoughts wandering in the mind.. It is a difficult situation to handle as soon as you realize you want to get out of it..
I sit at home now, pretty much alone during the day.. The only sound I hear is the ticking of the clock, the faint sounds of the chirping of birds from a distance, the dripping of water from a loosely closed tap and ofcourse, the sound from the keys on the keyboard as I hit them while typing on the computer.
This kind of a situation of pin-drop silence was something I had always craved for during my college days especially during exams. Then it was hard to find.. But now, I crave for the noise from the busy roads in Bangalore.. the familiar voices from the neighbourhood.. the honking vehicles, the street vegetable vendors.. oh man!! that was bliss!!
I sit silently in the killing silence here and just let my mind wander.. my mind needs no visa or ticket to travel back n forth to Bangalore, does it?? Well, so when, through my mind, I go to Bangalore, I just feel so relieved.. so safe, so secure and so full of energy... The thoughts about family, the craving need for friends, the activities with them, everything haunts me now..
With all this, I do experience noise in the silence :)
I wait for evening to come, so that I have my dear back home.. I talk with him about everything that I did during the day.. The chatting with friends, the several analysis that I would have done about various forgotten topics and the unrealistic plans for the future everything!! I must say, he has a lot of patience to tolerate all this from me..
Living here alone, though with my husband, is a phase of self-realization. The less active me here has gone into a thinking mode.. Thinking about what happened good, what happened bad, what could be done better etc .. A retrospective analysis of a kind.. Lol.. I remember now about the stupid processes carried out in offices about the RCA of a project - with a big list of action items for future projects and a hell lot of "learnings"..
Anyways, but this RCA of my life is worth it.. It really is giving me a direction I think.. About what I should be doing in the next 5 years, about how I should be spending my life in future..
I always wanted to go to a place like Ladakh, and just sit there and do nothing.. Had I forseen my future?? Well, not ladakh, but definitely the serenity and the peaceful atmosphere here in Dusseldorf has enabled me to think deeply.. And what did i want to do in Ladakh? I wanted to rediscover the meaning of my life.. Yes, that is exactly what I have done here in the last 5 months..
So far so good.. Like I always iterate, "All that happens is for good". This phase too is for good.. For finding somethings about me which I dint know at all.. For deeper understanding of my dear love - my husband!
Now when I go back to Bangalore, I will surely respect and love my folks better - for now I have understood their true worth! Without them, there is no meaning to life!
Love you all people! Thank you for being there in my life, always!